News from the Health Office
We are in the midst of a pandemic, certainly a time of unprecedented stress on parents struggling to balance work at home, social distancing, financial worries, remote learning for their children, and fear and anxiety for themselves and their children.
The following are helpful tips/strategies offered by author Lisa Damour in her March 19, 2020 New York Times article entitled “Quaranteenagers: Strategies for Parenting in Close Quarters”.
Make Space for Disappointment and Sadness.
Teenagers may understandably experience a sense of loss as the usual and highly anticipated rites of passage and social milestones/interactions are cancelled or curtailed. Proms, graduations, concerts, Youth & Government, and sporting competitions may be or already have been cancelled. They don’t have the opportunity to gather for socializing, let alone for healthy flirtations. So they are entitled to be sad, angry and/or frustrated. And it is ok to validate that for them by acknowledging and voicing empathy around it.
Make Space for Relief and Joy.
On the other hand, teenagers may also be happy that certain obligations or disliked interactions can be avoided. They may not have to confront a bully. They may not have to sit in a class they dislike. They may not have to get up so early every day. It is ok to allow them this happiness while still offering empathy for what they do experience as loss.
Expect Friction Regarding Their Social Lives.
Your child may be angry with you because you are abiding by social distancing rules, especially if not being abided by others. Lisa Damour suggests a statement such as: “I know that other parents are still having kids over, but we can’t support that choice because it doesn’t fit with what experts are recommending.” You can let them know they can blame you when speaking with their friends, and that if safety guidelines do change you are willing to negotiate what they may or may not be allowed to do.
On the other hand, relaxing some other family/household rules, given that they cannot enjoy their normal privileges, seems prudent. Extra time online to socialize might be appropriate, but it should not be a free-for-all either. Digital safety measures, ensuring adequate sleep and routine, time for exercise and time for family interactions are still necessary.
Allow Privacy and Time Alone.
Do let your teens know you value time with them but don’t take offense if they want to be by themselves or just want to be quiet. It’s ok to allow your teenager to spend time quietly reading, drawing, etc or to be alone in his/her room, within reason. If there are things you need your teens to help with which would impact this time, try engaging them to develop a mutually agreeable solution. If you need them to help with meal prep because you are working from home, ask them how to solve the problem.
Treat Teenagers as Problem-Solving Partners.
Teenagers are often just as capable as adults in developing workable and reasonable options to a problem. Rather than handing them your solution, try presenting the issue and asking how they think it would be best handled. This affords them the opportunity to voice their concerns and/or needs before a decision is made, thereby avoiding their non-compliance or irritability. And it allows both parties to understand each others’ needs and concerns.
In the words of Lisa Damour: “There’s a lot we still don’t know about how the spring will unfold for our teenagers, but there are some truths about adolescents that can help us through this difficult time: they welcome empathy, they are resilient and adaptable, and they appreciate — and tend live up to — high expectations.”
I hope you find Ms. Damour’s words as constructive as I did. Remember to continue social distancing, wash your hands, disinfect highly touched surfaces, use cough/sneeze etiquette, stay home, and call your health provider if you become ill. Feel free to contact me if you have any questions or concerns. Stay well and safe.
Mrs. Bolan